When You Could Have Lost It All...

You have no idea how glad I am that you're okay.
That we're okay.
In an instant, so much changed...
Suddenly, you weren't just my boyfriend.
You were the only thing to hold on to.

As I said, no good deed goes unpunished,
But it could have been so much worse.

And damn it, I'm so proud of the way you handled it.
You didn't fly off the handle.
You didn't swear or hit anything.
You didn't lose control.
You didn't panic.

You looked me in the eye and said, "I don't know what to do."

And you looked so human.
You faltered, stopped, and asked me how to handle it.
Your ego broke, if for only a moment,
And I saw that sometimes, you're not perfect.
And I love you for it.

One of the most important,
But often least noticed quality in someone
Is the way they handle a dramatic, stressful situation.
This is one of those limitless stress factors.
A situation where you had no control.
And you faced it the way you should have.

There's a lot of damage.
There are things to be taken care of,
People to call,
Arrangements to be made...
But there came good from this.

Upon impact, the only thing in my head was you.
The only thing I thought about was your safety.
And that if anything happened, I would be lost.
Dramatic? I'm sure.
Honest? Of course.

That split-second of doubt about your safety
Showed me how much you really mean to me.

And I do love you.

I always will.

"Have you ever been to Adveshurlen?"

You stumble.
You talk soo loud.
You slur your words.
Your pride gets in the way.
You're not afraid of hurting me when we wrestle.
Your ego is bigger than I am.
You won't reject a challenge, regardless of the consequences.
You are tactless.
You're never wrong.
You don't lose.
And you're unbelievably stubborn.

So, basically...
You're perfect for me.

I just wanted to say...

... that I love you.






That's it.

What Do You Do When It All Falls Apart?

You play dirty.

I don't think you understand this, though.
I'm not one to play into your games.
In a crisis-situation, I don't change.
I just get edgy and clever.

So you tell me you have dirt,
I tell you you're full of shit.
You say you've got his number.
I give you his last name.
You demand to have me back,
I tell you I'm not going anywhere.
You tell me you still love me.
I say that doesn't make sense.

So don't think for a second that your empty threats
And fabricated stories
Are going to fool or manipulate me.
I'm slowly dying and I'm stronger than that.
He's stronger than that.

And together, you have no idea what we could do to you.

This is not a game,
and if it was, it's not your turn anyway.
This is not a joke,
and if it is, you're the only one here laughing.
This is not up to you,
and if it was, you'd never have me back regardless.
This is love.
And I don't think you understand that.

This is real.
This is strong.
This is love.

In the words of my brother:

"Shit, that ain't nothin. The other day, I was in my room. I was smokin' cigarettes, I was smoking my mom's cigarettes and this bird flew in the window. So I started smokin' the bird and the bird was like "Hey! Why you smokin me?" And I was like... "idk."

Change of Heart, Mind and Pace.

I could probably count the number of times I've been purely happy for an extended period of time on two hands.

Fact, I'm sure I could.

So, to say the least, those times are rare. Normally my perky self is silently wrapped in a blanket of dread and worry, regret and night terrors. I'm a lot deeper than I let on, and very select few people can understand why. I enjoy having a seemingly sunny disposition, a smile on my face, and a ring in my voice. But every girl has her secrets, and I've got a few skeletons in my closet. Happiness is sometimes hard to come by.

I fought my way through the last year. Trading in lies for what turned out to be more lies, transforming heartache into heart-break, and winning nothing for myself but a carnival-prize stab in the face. Not in the back, that would be disgraceful, now wouldn't it?

I was walking blindfolded, and the ones I loved the most let me, even led me on occasionally. They'd call from behind a screen door and laugh when I walked into it. Everytime, I thought, "I'll never trust them again. That was cruel."... and yet everytime I let them back in.

I woke up in mid-September and changed that. I changed me, my attitude, my overall appearance... I changed myself for ME, not for anyone else.

And that's when I changed my mind as well. I wasn't going to wait around for an answer. Afterall, I'd said I'd wait, but I wouldn't wait forever. Why should I count on someone who'd let me down before? I was there when the wrench bent on them, when would they show up if the curtain were to fall on me? Would they?

I threw it all in.

Trying to do a puzzle with pieces from a 20-count box and a 500-count box was not going to work. Even if everyone wanted it to. No matter how hard I tried.

My heart isn't where it used to be anymore.

It used to be miles away from where I was at any given moment. It used to be lost somewhere in the confusion and busy schedules. It was a lucky phone call, an occasional text message, a story that never quite lined up.

Now, it's asleep next to me in the car. It's laughing on the couch with me. It's grabbing me to make me jump, tickling me so that I scream, kissing me until my breathing slows.

Tonight was amazing. Tonight was fun. Tonight was real and passionate and intense.

But best of all, tonight was here, right where my heart is. ♥

Maybe I'll Regret This. Maybe I Won't.

I finished reading my book this morning. About 8 A.M. I always hate finishing books because it's the end. Even if a sequel exists, the tale that has consumed me for the entire night has winded it self down, out of existance. I always cling to the last ten pages or so, praying that it's not really the end... that I can magically start over without knowing and continue to read it for ever, re-experiencing the lust, love, fear, trust, hope...


I'm starting to think I'm on my last ten pages, baby.


You're coming at me in phases. You're completely devoted, I see you, we share glorious moment after glorious moment together, we part with a tearful goodbye and sorrow-filled promises to see eachother again, and then you get suddenly and unexplainably distant.
I'm clinging to every word you whispered in the dark, every touch you went out of your way to produce, wanting so bad to re-experience the lust, love, fear, trust hope...

But I can only re-read.

And when I re-read memories, like books, I already know the ending. I already know that you fall back into your routine. The one where I hardly exist. Where you're not cold, but you don't tell me you love me. You don't tell me you miss me. You don't fall for me all over again. I'm just remembering when you did.

When we talk, it's casual. "How was your day?" "What are your plans?" "What's up?"

I want to tell you so badly how I feel. I'm so lost right now. I don't know what you would say or how you would react if I ever told you that I feel this lonely. I don't know what you would think if I ever told you that you're the only thing on my mind when I cry myself to sleep... if I sleep at all.

In all honesty, I've been trying not to sleep. Very unhealthy, I know, not to mention irrational. But if I sleep, I'm afraid I'll wake up and a week ago today, now, this very second... Saturday, 1:00 PM... Would all have been a stupid dream.

No, I can't tell you how I feel. The one person I can tell anything to.

Because I don't want to hurt you with my pain. Odd, how that works.

So I send you a single text message. One that completely understates my emotions and thoughts right now. One that doesn't even brush the surface of my longing for you. A text message containg three words that someday I hope you'll understand.

"I love you."

This is it...

In exactly 12 hours, I'll be with him.

I'll be searching in his eyes for the answers I need.

The answers I deserve.

My motive isn't what he thinks it is, and that's okay. He can think what he wants.

I just want to know.

So here I go, pack my stuff for the first time...

Sort through what I do and don't need...

And pray.




I'm ready to give it my all. I have been for a while.



Let's see your intentions, baby.

Lay them on the table.

I Suffer Because You're My Answer

I'm so confused.



This boy.



I don't even know what to say about him.



There are no words to describe him.



I could tell you that he's beautiful, he's hilarious, he's brilliant, he's caring, he's brave, he's strong, he's perfect...

But you wouldn't understand.



He's been there for me through everything. He knows more about me than I do. He's the only person on earth that knows everything about me. When he touched me, everything's okay. When he kisses me, I don't need anything else. When I see him, I can't see anyone else.



I saw him for the first time in a week last night. I was speechless. I hate that I'm so vulnerable. I hate that seeing him makes this all turn around on me. I hate it.

But I can't help it.

As much as I hate to admit it, I love him.
Not 16 year old "I want him to be my boooyyyyyfriend; he's soo cute" love.
I love him.
I love his flaws.
I love his imperfections.
I love his mistakes.
I love his stupidity.

He's the one I love.
He's the one I want.
He's the only one I can see myself with.



I can't help it.


So what happens now?



There are so many people who don't want me to leave. I understand that. I know I've affected just as many people as have affected me. I know people are scared for me, people are worried for me... but I hope that whatever choice I make, they support me.



I'm not making my decision for anyone else but me.

Not for my friends, not for my mom, not for Kevin.

I'm going to do what I want to do.
Because that's who I was, am, and always will be.







The people that I love will understand that.





The people that love me will accept it.

At this point, It's more rational to count heartbeats than tears.

"I love you."

I've spent the last two days convincing myself that I can do this whole "getting over it" thing.
That all hope for us diminished with your love for me.
I've been told and I've told myself that I'm independent.
Strong.
Beautiful.
Brave.
...Okay.
I'm not okay.

I'm a fucking train wreck.

I am. I've been snapping at my best friends. I haven't eaten anything but oranges in two days, minus my handy wintergreen gum that I carry JUST IN CASE I need a vice. I can't do ANYthing with out coming seconds away from a hysterical breakdown. My eyes are twitching. My ears are bleeding. I'm literally falling apart at the seams.
I can't sleep. I can't think. I've been laying on the couch; I can't lay in my own fucking bed.

Because all I think of is waking up during that thunderstorm and clinging to you for protection.
I can still feel your arms around me.
What am I supposed to do now?

"Better now than later."
"Better to have loved and lost..."
But I haven't lost. Not yet.
I almost wish I would. I would love to hate you.
I would love to be bitter and pissed off, cynical and fired up.
I'm in love with you.
You're just not "in love" with me... anymore...?

You were. I saw it in your eyes. I felt it in your touch. I could taste it in your kiss.
So where did it go?
What's wrong with me?
What did I do?
What CAN I do?

...do I even want to do anything?

I would love to have this fairy tale plotted out in my head.
But you said it yourself:
"Maybe in a perfect world. This isn't a perfect world."
I didn't expect everything to be perfect.
I knew things would be complete shit.
It would suck.
I would miss you.
I would be lonely.
But I would love you unconditionally.
Unconditionally.

When we started dating,
You were 15 and 400 miles away.

THERE IS NO SENSE IN THAT!

That's what love is. Imagination over Intelligence.
Doing the stupid shit for love.
Moving across the state...
For that boy.

...that silly boy that you fell in love with when you were 16 year old...

But things change, right?
People change.
Places change.
Economies change.
Ideas change.

And all you have left is a pocket of hope and a fist clasped around a bundle of memories.

Because hope doesn't change.
Memories don't change.

...as long as you hold on to them. Tightly.

Love has never made sense. It didn't make sense at 3 am and 15 years old when you swore to me you were going to steal your dad's car to come see me right now, and that no one, not the cops, not your parents, not anyone, was going to keep you from me.

Maybe love isn't supposed to make sense. Yeah, it works out sometimes for the better, but not always. But who am I kidding? I don't know much about love. I've only been there once, really.



The smartest woman I've ever met told me:
"Sometimes the hardest thing you'll ever have to do is also the most rewarding."

When I heard that, I jumped at it. I knew that moving away from my friends and family was going to be hard, but if I can just show myself that I can do this, that I can be my OWN person and be what I want to be, I would be rewarded. I thought my reward was you.

I think I got it all backwards, actually...

Because the hardest thing for me to do would be to watch you go.
I was so blinded that I didn't even want that to be a possibility.
I couldn't fathom letting you go.

"Sometimes the hardest thing you'll ever have to do is also the most rewarding."

I've been turning it over in my head since Sunday. Am I supposed to let you go? Is this God's way of showing me that I'm just not cut out for Sioux City? Tossing and turning, lyric after lyric thrown into a binder... none of it makes sense... it's all gibberish... for now.

"Keeping tabs on the things you do,
The steps you skip, the words you choose"

"I'm not concerned about what do to,
I'd do anything you ask me to."

and my favorite:

"I'm not afraid of losing you,
I'm afraid I already have..."



I was never good at good-bye.
You know that more than anyone.
I had never cried harder than when I watched you leave for the first time.
I sent you home with a frame with a picture of me
And my song notebook... which WAS me...

I gave you more that weekend than I have ever given anyone. Ever.
No amount of money or time was worth what I gave you January 1st, 2007.
And I don't regret it for a second.
Because you are worth every good-bye.
Every tear I shed.
Every moment spent missing you.
Don't let me be a waste of film, space and time.
Don't let this be our good-bye.

I may not have the part of you I used to have...
But I hope I still have some part of you.
And how unfortunate is it,
That you have no idea how much of me
You will always have.

Nobody will understand what we have (had?),
Because we didn't even understand it.
A majority of our relationship was built on
Things that other people can't see.
And I've never told anyone they were wrong about you.
But I never tried explaining, either.
You're something else.
Different.
Real.
Something I can't ever put into words.

You still love me.
You're not "in love" with me.

More words to turn over in my head while I toss my sheets around.
I understand them.
I just don't get them.
I'm not there yet.

My best friend says that I'm "18 going on 31"
and you're "17 going on 18."
But maybe it's the other way around.
Maybe you've gotten past this petty teenage love.
And I'm still stuck in the ditch.
I'm only digging a bigger hole, y'know.

She says I don't need you. She's right.
I don't.
I spent three years straight on that stage,
Begging god for you to burst in those auditorium doors
Just to show me that you really did care.
Now, just because you didn't, doesn't mean I thing you don't care.
I know you did.
But I was okay climbing down that stage alone.
I was fine.
I landed, sometimes the heels were tricky,
But I never had your hand to help me down.
I was okay on my own.

I don't need you to know I'm beautiful.
I don't need you to make me strong.
I don't need you to be in my future.
I don't need you to hold my hand.
I don't need you to make me a path.
I don't need you to show me the light.
I don't need you to tell me "Baby, everything's gonna be okay."
I don't need you.

I just need to know that it wasn't a waste of time.
That deep down, you hoped it would work, too.
Even though it probably won't.
I just need to know that you finally believed in something...



Me.



That would make all the difference in the world to me.

He loves me... He loves me not...

I got on here to tell you everything.
But I don't know what to say.
I really don't have words for this.

Like I said, I almost saw this coming. I should have.
"You're beautiful"
"I miss you."
"I love you."
Do you remember the last time you told me that?
Any of it?

You change the topic. You play it off like I'm joking. You flat out LEAVE.
What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel?
Where do I go from here?
A quiet let down, a few consolations, and a final good-bye.
Will I ever see your face again?
Or is this it?
The end.

I tried. I tried again and again to show you that I can do it. You didn't believe.
You never did.
You told me you did. Said it would be great. Told me it's a way.
It never was.

You've been thinking for a while.
It wasn't about me, was it?
I wasted all this time, thinking about you. Waiting for you.
Praying for you. Praying for this.
THIS.
A joke, right?
I thought this was done.

You love me. You're not in love with me.
I've heard that line so many times.
I thought it was done.

Rememer that bench? Where you scratched our initials with the keys to your car?
I sat there on my lunch break the other day.
I cried because I missed you. Because I loved you.
Because I KNEW you were on the other end of those tears, thinking about me.
I don't want to cry over you anymore.
I thought it was done.

You walk out after I tell you that I'm lost.
That I don't know what to do.
You fucking. walk. out.
So, goodnight?

I guess it's done.

Everything you're chasing seems to leave you empty.

He finally did it.
Asked about the "us".
I'm not really sure what to say about it...

He asked... I told him... he said he was worried... I told him not to be.

I love him, and this could be the best or worst time of my life.

If it's the worst,
I'll have an amazing year out there, bawl my eyes out, pick up the pieces and pack my shit.
I'm smart enough to know when to leave, and I'm strong enough to actually do it.
I'm not afraid of this...
Because if I don't try it, I'll wonder for the rest of my life.

Our possibilities are limitless.
We can do anything.

He leaves in a year.

I know.

But to be honest, I'll miss him anywhere I am. Here, there, Canada, or New Zealand.

And frankly, I'd rather miss him on a year of memories

than a year of What-If's.

What would you do? Do you know?

Okay. I thought I was being serious when I said that God has brought up every boy in my past.

I guess I wasn't.

Because God made it perfectly clear today what he was doing. The fucker is testing me.

I'll make a list of every boy who was significant (not necessarily romantically) that contacted me in the last 72 HOURS!!! (with the exception of Mr. Leahy, of course)

Tom Jones
Taylor Dreyer
Austin Barnard
Mike Maiani
Eric Strickland
Casey Dean
Zach Versluys
Tito Falzarano

What the fuck? I haven't heard from 2/3 of these penises in months, maybe years...
Seriously, God? What are you trying to prove? That I'm faithful?
Duh.

I'm so ready to be gone. I'm going to miss my best friends here, but I will not miss the drama. I will not miss the scumbags. I will not miss the unforgiving less-than-5000-peeps-population idea.

I just want to wipe my slate clean.

I want to start all over.

And I want to start all over with him.




I guess the question now is, does he want to start over with me?

How Much Can Someone Take?

Hey you,
I can’t sleep and I’ll be honest, I’m nervous as hell.

I’m finally taking this leap. I’m doing the biggest thing I’ve ever done with my life. You’ve got to admit, this is one bold move. I’m fucking scared as hell, but somehow, I know that I’ll be okay… you’re worth everything and so much more.

I know you’re afraid you’re going to “ruin my life”, but I don’t think you could… If things don’t work out, you were still the most important person in my life. I don’t understand why you refuse to just accept that… are you afraid of me needing you? You called me your “guardian angel” when we were fifteen… I just want a chance to show you that you’ve been mine through all these years.I know this is a big risk, but I’m willing to take it. I’ve been in love with you since you accidentally came into my life. Things were so simple before… and you threw me off so much. I thought I loved Austin… but when you showed up, I finally found out what love is, and I don’t think I can lose that.

I know you’re not sure. I’m not either. That’s what’s so beautiful about this.
I keep telling you I’m not afraid; I am. But I’m only afraid of the fact that you are. I’m afraid of your second thoughts, the fact that you think it’s brilliant one day and absurd the next. I’m so ready to be there, Kevin. I’m so ready to be with you. And I’m so done with feeling this misery I feel when I’m here.

I have nothing here. A few friends, who all happen to be leaving in a month… and a family that’s going to Illinois. But other than that… nothing. I have to go somewhere… I need a different face, a change of pace… and if I’m going to start over, I want to start over with you.

I know that you’re leaving for basic. I realize that, baby. And I know you’ll be gone for a long, long time… and I’m going to miss you, but I want to be the girl you write home to. I want you to have someone waiting for you, I want you to have someone to love you unconditionally, I want you to know how beautiful and amazing you are… and I can do it, Kevin. I’m not sure if you think I can… but I can. And I will… If you let me.I know. “This decision should be mine.” Well, it was when I decided to move out there. And you seemed to know that it would be okay… and now you don’t. What happened? Are you afraid I can’t handle this?Because I’m the one moving 400 miles from the house I’ve lived in my whole life, and you seem more uncertain about this than I am. I know you don’t know. I respect that… I just wish you’d decide if I’m worth the risk. You are. You always have been.

I just wish you’d decide. And no, for the record, you’re not deciding the rest of MY life… you’re deciding OUR life. Like I said, if you don’t want me out there, I won’t go. But I’ll end up in Des Moines or Iowa City where I know even fewer people… and I’ll be thinking about you from 200 miles away.

I can’t put it any simpler…

I want to be happy. And you do, can and could make me happy.
But your happiness is still more important to me.
If I’m not the answer, I’ll step out.
I’m so confused .I wish you were here.
I love you so much…


Where do we go, now, baby?