At this point, It's more rational to count heartbeats than tears.

"I love you."

I've spent the last two days convincing myself that I can do this whole "getting over it" thing.
That all hope for us diminished with your love for me.
I've been told and I've told myself that I'm independent.
Strong.
Beautiful.
Brave.
...Okay.
I'm not okay.

I'm a fucking train wreck.

I am. I've been snapping at my best friends. I haven't eaten anything but oranges in two days, minus my handy wintergreen gum that I carry JUST IN CASE I need a vice. I can't do ANYthing with out coming seconds away from a hysterical breakdown. My eyes are twitching. My ears are bleeding. I'm literally falling apart at the seams.
I can't sleep. I can't think. I've been laying on the couch; I can't lay in my own fucking bed.

Because all I think of is waking up during that thunderstorm and clinging to you for protection.
I can still feel your arms around me.
What am I supposed to do now?

"Better now than later."
"Better to have loved and lost..."
But I haven't lost. Not yet.
I almost wish I would. I would love to hate you.
I would love to be bitter and pissed off, cynical and fired up.
I'm in love with you.
You're just not "in love" with me... anymore...?

You were. I saw it in your eyes. I felt it in your touch. I could taste it in your kiss.
So where did it go?
What's wrong with me?
What did I do?
What CAN I do?

...do I even want to do anything?

I would love to have this fairy tale plotted out in my head.
But you said it yourself:
"Maybe in a perfect world. This isn't a perfect world."
I didn't expect everything to be perfect.
I knew things would be complete shit.
It would suck.
I would miss you.
I would be lonely.
But I would love you unconditionally.
Unconditionally.

When we started dating,
You were 15 and 400 miles away.

THERE IS NO SENSE IN THAT!

That's what love is. Imagination over Intelligence.
Doing the stupid shit for love.
Moving across the state...
For that boy.

...that silly boy that you fell in love with when you were 16 year old...

But things change, right?
People change.
Places change.
Economies change.
Ideas change.

And all you have left is a pocket of hope and a fist clasped around a bundle of memories.

Because hope doesn't change.
Memories don't change.

...as long as you hold on to them. Tightly.

Love has never made sense. It didn't make sense at 3 am and 15 years old when you swore to me you were going to steal your dad's car to come see me right now, and that no one, not the cops, not your parents, not anyone, was going to keep you from me.

Maybe love isn't supposed to make sense. Yeah, it works out sometimes for the better, but not always. But who am I kidding? I don't know much about love. I've only been there once, really.



The smartest woman I've ever met told me:
"Sometimes the hardest thing you'll ever have to do is also the most rewarding."

When I heard that, I jumped at it. I knew that moving away from my friends and family was going to be hard, but if I can just show myself that I can do this, that I can be my OWN person and be what I want to be, I would be rewarded. I thought my reward was you.

I think I got it all backwards, actually...

Because the hardest thing for me to do would be to watch you go.
I was so blinded that I didn't even want that to be a possibility.
I couldn't fathom letting you go.

"Sometimes the hardest thing you'll ever have to do is also the most rewarding."

I've been turning it over in my head since Sunday. Am I supposed to let you go? Is this God's way of showing me that I'm just not cut out for Sioux City? Tossing and turning, lyric after lyric thrown into a binder... none of it makes sense... it's all gibberish... for now.

"Keeping tabs on the things you do,
The steps you skip, the words you choose"

"I'm not concerned about what do to,
I'd do anything you ask me to."

and my favorite:

"I'm not afraid of losing you,
I'm afraid I already have..."



I was never good at good-bye.
You know that more than anyone.
I had never cried harder than when I watched you leave for the first time.
I sent you home with a frame with a picture of me
And my song notebook... which WAS me...

I gave you more that weekend than I have ever given anyone. Ever.
No amount of money or time was worth what I gave you January 1st, 2007.
And I don't regret it for a second.
Because you are worth every good-bye.
Every tear I shed.
Every moment spent missing you.
Don't let me be a waste of film, space and time.
Don't let this be our good-bye.

I may not have the part of you I used to have...
But I hope I still have some part of you.
And how unfortunate is it,
That you have no idea how much of me
You will always have.

Nobody will understand what we have (had?),
Because we didn't even understand it.
A majority of our relationship was built on
Things that other people can't see.
And I've never told anyone they were wrong about you.
But I never tried explaining, either.
You're something else.
Different.
Real.
Something I can't ever put into words.

You still love me.
You're not "in love" with me.

More words to turn over in my head while I toss my sheets around.
I understand them.
I just don't get them.
I'm not there yet.

My best friend says that I'm "18 going on 31"
and you're "17 going on 18."
But maybe it's the other way around.
Maybe you've gotten past this petty teenage love.
And I'm still stuck in the ditch.
I'm only digging a bigger hole, y'know.

She says I don't need you. She's right.
I don't.
I spent three years straight on that stage,
Begging god for you to burst in those auditorium doors
Just to show me that you really did care.
Now, just because you didn't, doesn't mean I thing you don't care.
I know you did.
But I was okay climbing down that stage alone.
I was fine.
I landed, sometimes the heels were tricky,
But I never had your hand to help me down.
I was okay on my own.

I don't need you to know I'm beautiful.
I don't need you to make me strong.
I don't need you to be in my future.
I don't need you to hold my hand.
I don't need you to make me a path.
I don't need you to show me the light.
I don't need you to tell me "Baby, everything's gonna be okay."
I don't need you.

I just need to know that it wasn't a waste of time.
That deep down, you hoped it would work, too.
Even though it probably won't.
I just need to know that you finally believed in something...



Me.



That would make all the difference in the world to me.