I didn't want to believe it then, but it all worked out in the end.

I'm so pissed.
I'm so stressed.
I'm annoyed,
angry,
upset,
and confused.
Nothing seems to be going right for me.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I don't want to stay here.
But I can't leave just yet.
I'm starting my career
as he's starting his.
The overlap is slightly overwhelming,
And relieving at the same time.
I still have a to-do list as tall as me (5'6")
And it seems like as soon as one problem is solved,
Another is brought to my attention.



To say the least...
I have not had a good day.


So it came as a bit of a shock when he called tonight,
And upon hearing his voice,
I lost it.
I didn't want to cry on the phone,
Because none of this is his fault...
He shouldn't have to hear it.
So I held it in and carried on a normal conversation
All while I felt that twisting feeling in my throat
When you hold back tears.
We talked about my computer,
class starting,
stuff for the police department,
work...
And for a few mintues, I could put off the fact that I was
Half an inch from tears.

But as soon as he said "I love you."
That same phrase I've heard dozens of times,
That twisting feeling came back.
Twice as hard.
I choked out "I love you too" and "Goodnight" before hanging up.

I sat in my bed, tears streaming down my face
Wondering why hearing his voice suddenly made me cry.
It wasn't that he was fueling the fire,
Or even that he had any part in the day's stress max-out.

I must have sat there crying for a good twenty minutes
Before I realized...
I reacted so dramatically because of him
Because I trust him.
Because I know him.
He's familiar, he listens, he understands me.
I reacted so,
Because I love him.

And I know that if he was here, I wouldn't have been able to hold those tears back.
But he would have made them go away.
He always does.
He makes that to-do list feel 5 feet shorter,
the stress from my day just a little bit sillier,
and my break-down just a little funnier.
I can't help it that I have a hecktic life.
But I can change my attitude about it.
And he helps that.
And I'll always do the same for him.

Because this is what you call love.

And tonight, although we're 30 miles apart...

I'm still the luckiest girl alive.

Phoenix: Reborn

Out with the old...
...In with the new.

I've lost a lot this year.
Granted, it could have been a lot worse,
But in retrospect,
The things you lose add up.
I thought life was over.
I told myself, "This is it.
Time to throw in the towel.
Nothing's out there waiting for you."
But I was wrong.

I gave up, lost all hope...
"If this can't work, nothing will."
For weeks I didn't eat,
Converse,
React,
Reach out...
I slept a lot.
Ranging from 12-16 hours a day.
I was so convinced that there would be
No good left in life.
But I was wrong.

I got sick.
Really sick.
Things didn't make sense
And I wasn't fighting for myself anymore.
I started realizing that the stories...
...didn't ever quite line up.
And sometimes I thought
I was the only one I could trust.
But I was wrong.

I was a pile of ashes.
No breath, no life. no hope.
I couldn't believe in anything
And I refused to hear anyone
that disagreed.
I died in that pile of ashes,
charred rose petals and
Blackened dreams.
I thought I was ready to let go.
But I was wrong.

Because through that pile of ash,
I saw a man reach out to me...
Telling me to take his hand,
That everything would be fine.
And through that man,
And that pile of ash,
A reaction took place:

The Raising of a Dead Girl.
The Rebirth of a Phoenix.

I knew I was weak.
He gave me strength.
I felt so lost.
He showed me the way.
I fell so hard
And he always seemed to catch me.

So out with the old...
...in with the new.

Somethings never change.
And God, I hope you're one of them.

♥