Change of Heart, Mind and Pace.

I could probably count the number of times I've been purely happy for an extended period of time on two hands.

Fact, I'm sure I could.

So, to say the least, those times are rare. Normally my perky self is silently wrapped in a blanket of dread and worry, regret and night terrors. I'm a lot deeper than I let on, and very select few people can understand why. I enjoy having a seemingly sunny disposition, a smile on my face, and a ring in my voice. But every girl has her secrets, and I've got a few skeletons in my closet. Happiness is sometimes hard to come by.

I fought my way through the last year. Trading in lies for what turned out to be more lies, transforming heartache into heart-break, and winning nothing for myself but a carnival-prize stab in the face. Not in the back, that would be disgraceful, now wouldn't it?

I was walking blindfolded, and the ones I loved the most let me, even led me on occasionally. They'd call from behind a screen door and laugh when I walked into it. Everytime, I thought, "I'll never trust them again. That was cruel."... and yet everytime I let them back in.

I woke up in mid-September and changed that. I changed me, my attitude, my overall appearance... I changed myself for ME, not for anyone else.

And that's when I changed my mind as well. I wasn't going to wait around for an answer. Afterall, I'd said I'd wait, but I wouldn't wait forever. Why should I count on someone who'd let me down before? I was there when the wrench bent on them, when would they show up if the curtain were to fall on me? Would they?

I threw it all in.

Trying to do a puzzle with pieces from a 20-count box and a 500-count box was not going to work. Even if everyone wanted it to. No matter how hard I tried.

My heart isn't where it used to be anymore.

It used to be miles away from where I was at any given moment. It used to be lost somewhere in the confusion and busy schedules. It was a lucky phone call, an occasional text message, a story that never quite lined up.

Now, it's asleep next to me in the car. It's laughing on the couch with me. It's grabbing me to make me jump, tickling me so that I scream, kissing me until my breathing slows.

Tonight was amazing. Tonight was fun. Tonight was real and passionate and intense.

But best of all, tonight was here, right where my heart is. ♥