Everything you're chasing seems to leave you empty.

He finally did it.
Asked about the "us".
I'm not really sure what to say about it...

He asked... I told him... he said he was worried... I told him not to be.

I love him, and this could be the best or worst time of my life.

If it's the worst,
I'll have an amazing year out there, bawl my eyes out, pick up the pieces and pack my shit.
I'm smart enough to know when to leave, and I'm strong enough to actually do it.
I'm not afraid of this...
Because if I don't try it, I'll wonder for the rest of my life.

Our possibilities are limitless.
We can do anything.

He leaves in a year.

I know.

But to be honest, I'll miss him anywhere I am. Here, there, Canada, or New Zealand.

And frankly, I'd rather miss him on a year of memories

than a year of What-If's.

What would you do? Do you know?

Okay. I thought I was being serious when I said that God has brought up every boy in my past.

I guess I wasn't.

Because God made it perfectly clear today what he was doing. The fucker is testing me.

I'll make a list of every boy who was significant (not necessarily romantically) that contacted me in the last 72 HOURS!!! (with the exception of Mr. Leahy, of course)

Tom Jones
Taylor Dreyer
Austin Barnard
Mike Maiani
Eric Strickland
Casey Dean
Zach Versluys
Tito Falzarano

What the fuck? I haven't heard from 2/3 of these penises in months, maybe years...
Seriously, God? What are you trying to prove? That I'm faithful?
Duh.

I'm so ready to be gone. I'm going to miss my best friends here, but I will not miss the drama. I will not miss the scumbags. I will not miss the unforgiving less-than-5000-peeps-population idea.

I just want to wipe my slate clean.

I want to start all over.

And I want to start all over with him.




I guess the question now is, does he want to start over with me?

How Much Can Someone Take?

Hey you,
I can’t sleep and I’ll be honest, I’m nervous as hell.

I’m finally taking this leap. I’m doing the biggest thing I’ve ever done with my life. You’ve got to admit, this is one bold move. I’m fucking scared as hell, but somehow, I know that I’ll be okay… you’re worth everything and so much more.

I know you’re afraid you’re going to “ruin my life”, but I don’t think you could… If things don’t work out, you were still the most important person in my life. I don’t understand why you refuse to just accept that… are you afraid of me needing you? You called me your “guardian angel” when we were fifteen… I just want a chance to show you that you’ve been mine through all these years.I know this is a big risk, but I’m willing to take it. I’ve been in love with you since you accidentally came into my life. Things were so simple before… and you threw me off so much. I thought I loved Austin… but when you showed up, I finally found out what love is, and I don’t think I can lose that.

I know you’re not sure. I’m not either. That’s what’s so beautiful about this.
I keep telling you I’m not afraid; I am. But I’m only afraid of the fact that you are. I’m afraid of your second thoughts, the fact that you think it’s brilliant one day and absurd the next. I’m so ready to be there, Kevin. I’m so ready to be with you. And I’m so done with feeling this misery I feel when I’m here.

I have nothing here. A few friends, who all happen to be leaving in a month… and a family that’s going to Illinois. But other than that… nothing. I have to go somewhere… I need a different face, a change of pace… and if I’m going to start over, I want to start over with you.

I know that you’re leaving for basic. I realize that, baby. And I know you’ll be gone for a long, long time… and I’m going to miss you, but I want to be the girl you write home to. I want you to have someone waiting for you, I want you to have someone to love you unconditionally, I want you to know how beautiful and amazing you are… and I can do it, Kevin. I’m not sure if you think I can… but I can. And I will… If you let me.I know. “This decision should be mine.” Well, it was when I decided to move out there. And you seemed to know that it would be okay… and now you don’t. What happened? Are you afraid I can’t handle this?Because I’m the one moving 400 miles from the house I’ve lived in my whole life, and you seem more uncertain about this than I am. I know you don’t know. I respect that… I just wish you’d decide if I’m worth the risk. You are. You always have been.

I just wish you’d decide. And no, for the record, you’re not deciding the rest of MY life… you’re deciding OUR life. Like I said, if you don’t want me out there, I won’t go. But I’ll end up in Des Moines or Iowa City where I know even fewer people… and I’ll be thinking about you from 200 miles away.

I can’t put it any simpler…

I want to be happy. And you do, can and could make me happy.
But your happiness is still more important to me.
If I’m not the answer, I’ll step out.
I’m so confused .I wish you were here.
I love you so much…


Where do we go, now, baby?