I didn't want to believe it then, but it all worked out in the end.

I'm so pissed.
I'm so stressed.
I'm annoyed,
angry,
upset,
and confused.
Nothing seems to be going right for me.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I don't want to stay here.
But I can't leave just yet.
I'm starting my career
as he's starting his.
The overlap is slightly overwhelming,
And relieving at the same time.
I still have a to-do list as tall as me (5'6")
And it seems like as soon as one problem is solved,
Another is brought to my attention.



To say the least...
I have not had a good day.


So it came as a bit of a shock when he called tonight,
And upon hearing his voice,
I lost it.
I didn't want to cry on the phone,
Because none of this is his fault...
He shouldn't have to hear it.
So I held it in and carried on a normal conversation
All while I felt that twisting feeling in my throat
When you hold back tears.
We talked about my computer,
class starting,
stuff for the police department,
work...
And for a few mintues, I could put off the fact that I was
Half an inch from tears.

But as soon as he said "I love you."
That same phrase I've heard dozens of times,
That twisting feeling came back.
Twice as hard.
I choked out "I love you too" and "Goodnight" before hanging up.

I sat in my bed, tears streaming down my face
Wondering why hearing his voice suddenly made me cry.
It wasn't that he was fueling the fire,
Or even that he had any part in the day's stress max-out.

I must have sat there crying for a good twenty minutes
Before I realized...
I reacted so dramatically because of him
Because I trust him.
Because I know him.
He's familiar, he listens, he understands me.
I reacted so,
Because I love him.

And I know that if he was here, I wouldn't have been able to hold those tears back.
But he would have made them go away.
He always does.
He makes that to-do list feel 5 feet shorter,
the stress from my day just a little bit sillier,
and my break-down just a little funnier.
I can't help it that I have a hecktic life.
But I can change my attitude about it.
And he helps that.
And I'll always do the same for him.

Because this is what you call love.

And tonight, although we're 30 miles apart...

I'm still the luckiest girl alive.

Phoenix: Reborn

Out with the old...
...In with the new.

I've lost a lot this year.
Granted, it could have been a lot worse,
But in retrospect,
The things you lose add up.
I thought life was over.
I told myself, "This is it.
Time to throw in the towel.
Nothing's out there waiting for you."
But I was wrong.

I gave up, lost all hope...
"If this can't work, nothing will."
For weeks I didn't eat,
Converse,
React,
Reach out...
I slept a lot.
Ranging from 12-16 hours a day.
I was so convinced that there would be
No good left in life.
But I was wrong.

I got sick.
Really sick.
Things didn't make sense
And I wasn't fighting for myself anymore.
I started realizing that the stories...
...didn't ever quite line up.
And sometimes I thought
I was the only one I could trust.
But I was wrong.

I was a pile of ashes.
No breath, no life. no hope.
I couldn't believe in anything
And I refused to hear anyone
that disagreed.
I died in that pile of ashes,
charred rose petals and
Blackened dreams.
I thought I was ready to let go.
But I was wrong.

Because through that pile of ash,
I saw a man reach out to me...
Telling me to take his hand,
That everything would be fine.
And through that man,
And that pile of ash,
A reaction took place:

The Raising of a Dead Girl.
The Rebirth of a Phoenix.

I knew I was weak.
He gave me strength.
I felt so lost.
He showed me the way.
I fell so hard
And he always seemed to catch me.

So out with the old...
...in with the new.

Somethings never change.
And God, I hope you're one of them.

♥

When You Could Have Lost It All...

You have no idea how glad I am that you're okay.
That we're okay.
In an instant, so much changed...
Suddenly, you weren't just my boyfriend.
You were the only thing to hold on to.

As I said, no good deed goes unpunished,
But it could have been so much worse.

And damn it, I'm so proud of the way you handled it.
You didn't fly off the handle.
You didn't swear or hit anything.
You didn't lose control.
You didn't panic.

You looked me in the eye and said, "I don't know what to do."

And you looked so human.
You faltered, stopped, and asked me how to handle it.
Your ego broke, if for only a moment,
And I saw that sometimes, you're not perfect.
And I love you for it.

One of the most important,
But often least noticed quality in someone
Is the way they handle a dramatic, stressful situation.
This is one of those limitless stress factors.
A situation where you had no control.
And you faced it the way you should have.

There's a lot of damage.
There are things to be taken care of,
People to call,
Arrangements to be made...
But there came good from this.

Upon impact, the only thing in my head was you.
The only thing I thought about was your safety.
And that if anything happened, I would be lost.
Dramatic? I'm sure.
Honest? Of course.

That split-second of doubt about your safety
Showed me how much you really mean to me.

And I do love you.

I always will.

"Have you ever been to Adveshurlen?"

You stumble.
You talk soo loud.
You slur your words.
Your pride gets in the way.
You're not afraid of hurting me when we wrestle.
Your ego is bigger than I am.
You won't reject a challenge, regardless of the consequences.
You are tactless.
You're never wrong.
You don't lose.
And you're unbelievably stubborn.

So, basically...
You're perfect for me.

I just wanted to say...

... that I love you.






That's it.

What Do You Do When It All Falls Apart?

You play dirty.

I don't think you understand this, though.
I'm not one to play into your games.
In a crisis-situation, I don't change.
I just get edgy and clever.

So you tell me you have dirt,
I tell you you're full of shit.
You say you've got his number.
I give you his last name.
You demand to have me back,
I tell you I'm not going anywhere.
You tell me you still love me.
I say that doesn't make sense.

So don't think for a second that your empty threats
And fabricated stories
Are going to fool or manipulate me.
I'm slowly dying and I'm stronger than that.
He's stronger than that.

And together, you have no idea what we could do to you.

This is not a game,
and if it was, it's not your turn anyway.
This is not a joke,
and if it is, you're the only one here laughing.
This is not up to you,
and if it was, you'd never have me back regardless.
This is love.
And I don't think you understand that.

This is real.
This is strong.
This is love.

In the words of my brother:

"Shit, that ain't nothin. The other day, I was in my room. I was smokin' cigarettes, I was smoking my mom's cigarettes and this bird flew in the window. So I started smokin' the bird and the bird was like "Hey! Why you smokin me?" And I was like... "idk."

Change of Heart, Mind and Pace.

I could probably count the number of times I've been purely happy for an extended period of time on two hands.

Fact, I'm sure I could.

So, to say the least, those times are rare. Normally my perky self is silently wrapped in a blanket of dread and worry, regret and night terrors. I'm a lot deeper than I let on, and very select few people can understand why. I enjoy having a seemingly sunny disposition, a smile on my face, and a ring in my voice. But every girl has her secrets, and I've got a few skeletons in my closet. Happiness is sometimes hard to come by.

I fought my way through the last year. Trading in lies for what turned out to be more lies, transforming heartache into heart-break, and winning nothing for myself but a carnival-prize stab in the face. Not in the back, that would be disgraceful, now wouldn't it?

I was walking blindfolded, and the ones I loved the most let me, even led me on occasionally. They'd call from behind a screen door and laugh when I walked into it. Everytime, I thought, "I'll never trust them again. That was cruel."... and yet everytime I let them back in.

I woke up in mid-September and changed that. I changed me, my attitude, my overall appearance... I changed myself for ME, not for anyone else.

And that's when I changed my mind as well. I wasn't going to wait around for an answer. Afterall, I'd said I'd wait, but I wouldn't wait forever. Why should I count on someone who'd let me down before? I was there when the wrench bent on them, when would they show up if the curtain were to fall on me? Would they?

I threw it all in.

Trying to do a puzzle with pieces from a 20-count box and a 500-count box was not going to work. Even if everyone wanted it to. No matter how hard I tried.

My heart isn't where it used to be anymore.

It used to be miles away from where I was at any given moment. It used to be lost somewhere in the confusion and busy schedules. It was a lucky phone call, an occasional text message, a story that never quite lined up.

Now, it's asleep next to me in the car. It's laughing on the couch with me. It's grabbing me to make me jump, tickling me so that I scream, kissing me until my breathing slows.

Tonight was amazing. Tonight was fun. Tonight was real and passionate and intense.

But best of all, tonight was here, right where my heart is. ♥